Lost and Blue
by Lack of Common Sense
Summary: Having reached adulthood, Haruka mostly lost contact with the people from the club; then one day, he meets Sousuke, who makes Haru a horrible revelation. Feeling like the worst of sinners, Haruka seeks destiny's forgiveness - and who other than Sousuke could possibly give him that, considering what happened? Adult!Haru, Adult!Sousuke. SouHaru. Not really an AU, just timeskip.
1. Lost and Broken

Chapter 1: Lost and Broken

The tip of my pen has stopped indecisively. I tapped the paper with it and frowned a bit. A couple, hand in hand, walked past me, talking cheerfully, and they followed the park path without even noticing my presence. I felt a little envious of them.

I'm gay. It's not really something I would boast about, and it's not something I'm ashamed of. People would sometimes look weirdly at me because of that, but I never felt like getting bothered by it.

Sighing, I looked at the paper I was holding in my hands, thinking I'm a bit too old to be writing love poems. Not to mention this was a really lame one.

 _There is no voice such as his_

 _Strokes my heart and breaks my ears_

 _While worlds away and out of reach_

 _Just seeing him, I lose my speech_

I crumpled it into a ball and threw it into a trash bin; then, I looked at the sky above my head. It seemed distant and unfriendly, heavy clouds were rolling slowly over the town and it looked like it was about to rain. Well, I wouldn't mind, water's always been my one true love, no matter whom I was ever dating.

Wondering why the guy did _that_ a few days ago, my throat clenched and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I felt cold.

A water drop fell down my face, though it hadn't started raining yet. It stopped at the corner of my mouth, and when I licked it, it was salty.

"Nanase?" I heard, and my stomach clenched. "You're crying or something?"

"Shut up," I growled. Yamazaki Sousuke, the reason for my confusion, my grief and my tears had appeared. We'd reunited only weeks ago, after I got dumped by some idiot and was trying to drown my sorrows in alcohol. Well… saying _reunited_ is a bit of an overstatement. "What are you doing here, anyway?" I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and glared at him.

"I'm on patrol," he answered, and I eyed him. His police uniform fit perfectly that idiotic big body; like most of us, he didn't stick to swimming after school, though, well, there was this thing about his shoulder, so that was not really a surprise. I gave him an angry stare; by then I was sure he didn't remember what he'd done to me that evening. How much he said to me, about how much he hated me. How much he hurt me without being aware.

"Have you heard?" he asked, and I nodded: "Yeah… Rin's won the international race, huh… Good for him." Rin was pretty much our only common topic, it was obvious he'd start talking about him.

"He actually came in second," Yamazaki said and sighed. "I've never imagined you'd actually quit swimming, Nanase."

"If I didn't, I would have to watch him." I got up, not feeling like continuing the conversation. "See ya."

"Somebody shoved a stick up your ass, or is there some other reason for you to be a dick?" he said, and that stopped me. I turned around, my fists clenched. Well, he used to be less rude, but I guess time changes people.

"You are one to talk! And anyway, whose fault do you think this is?" I snapped. He being a smartass was really the last thing I needed.

He gave me a stare. "Nanase…" he said, "come with me for a bit."

"Hah? Why should I?" I folded my arms 'cross my chest.

"Cause if you don't, I'm going to fine you for making a mess in public," he pointed at the crumpled paper that was lying under the trash bin. Oh, I honestly thought I threw it in right. Gritting my teeth, I slumped my shoulders. "Alright," I responded and went to throw the paper out, but in the end, I put it back into my pocket. I was not sure why. Sentiment, perhaps. Silently, I followed Yamazaki, though I honestly hated the thought of staying in his presence… partly because as he was walking in front of me, I couldn't but check him out. He was still slender, yet built up nicely, it was obvious even through the clothes. I really disliked him, but at the same time, I kept thinking… what if he, with this body, held me? Properly, as it should normally go?

We stopped under a tree that was in the back of the park; nobody ever came this way. "Say, do you still keep in touch with Rin?" he asked, not looking at me.

"Not really," I responded. Suddenly, he grabbed me and shoved me against its trunk hard enough for me to yelp in pain. "What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled once I had my breath back. He grabbed me under the collar, and his eyes darkened, as it was his turn to glare at me.

"You know," he said, "I was thinking I'd better keep it to myself, but to hell with that. I'm going to tell you every single fucking thing that pisses me off about you."

"Not again," I murmured under my breath, and he leaned closer.

"Hah?"

"Nothing," I answered. "Get it off your chest and let me go home already."

"You…" he sighed. "Back then, you were dating Tachibana, weren't you," there was something heavy in his eyes.

"Yeah, so what of it?" I said, despite I knew where this talk was headed. I already had to listen to it… once. That time, he was drunker than I was, and even if it weren't for that, I would always remember everything I did while under the influence of alcohol.

"Rin… he was pining after you all that time… in more ways than one." He grabbed my chin and pinching it so strongly it hurt, he tilted my head up; just then I realised I was looking on the ground the whole time. "While you had your eyes only for Tachibana, Rin was madly in love with you."

"And that's why you never confessed to him," I stated flatly. I was tired of it already, I felt sick, and I wanted to go home, run away from that idiot. He froze, his eyebrows furrowing. "This is also what I hate about you," he growled. "You talk like you know everything sometimes."

"I'm right, though. Spot on," I said indifferently. He exhaled, bowing his head. Then, he looked up. "Yeah. Yeah, you are." His anger was gone, but his face held somewhat bitter expression.

"Rin is dating Makoto now, though," I said. "Good for him, Makoto's a great guy."

There was silence, as Yamazaki was looking at me, probably pondering about what he should do next. As we were staring each other down, a thought appeared on the surface of my mind. "Do you really hate me that much?" I asked, just to confirm. His eyes flashed as he nodded. Just once, but firmly, with a determination of sorts. "Alright then," I said, my stomach clenching. "How about you and I make a deal?"

"A deal?"

"To put it simply, it's sickening to be hated by you. If you manage to make me cry, which is a pretty easy task, would that be enough for you to leave me alone already?" I explained. I disgusted myself, it was calculating and low, and I was aware of that, of course. My aim was to lure him into a physical relationship with me, no matter how cruel it might become along the way… because I hated myself for being oblivious to Rin's feelings back then. I thought that maybe, if Yamazaki was the one to punish me for such a grave sin, I could be forgiven. Not like I would say any of these thoughts aloud, of course.

"Make you cry? How?" he tilted his head.

I bit my lip. "You've already managed to do so, once, but you don't remember, I guess."

"Remind me, then."

I gave him a stare. To be honest, it already seemed as a mistake, but… I was not going to back down. "Remember how we met in a pub a few days ago? I think it was on Wednesday…"

His whole body tensed, as he guessed I was about to say something unpleasant… and he was right to expect that. I took a deep breath. "You were fairly drunk when that happened… You dragged me, pretty much against my will, into the closest love hotel."

His eyes opened wide. "… You're lying."

I, however, shook my head. "There should be a bill from Wednesday in your wallet. Go ahead and check." My eyes, completely glued to his hand, watched as he reached into his pocket and opened said wallet, going through the papers. When he found the item he was searching for, his face went pale. His whole body shuddered; at first, it occurred to me that it might have been because he felt disgusted, but then he said: "… But that's a crime."

"Ah right, you are a cop, right?" I smirked, though I already felt like falling to my knees and crying would be better than this stupid pretence. "Well, right now I'm giving you a green light, and this…" I snatched the paper from his fingers, ripping it apart and putting the shreds into my pocket, "was the only evidence and that has been destroyed."

"Only evidence…?" he parroted after me.

I nodded. "That love hotel doesn't keep a list of names or anything," I said as the words _don't ask why I know that, though…_ crossed my mind. "So?"

"So what?"

"So, do you agree?"

"… You want me to _hold you_?" he asked, as though he couldn't believe his own senses.

"I want you to bring me the punishment Fate refuses to give me. I know I did wrong, and I won't sleep calmly until karma strikes back."

He gave me a stare. "I never knew you could be so twisted, Nanase."

Shrugging my shoulders, I answered: "I might as well be." Despite having put on this haughty attitude, I felt something within me shattering into thousands of small, sharp pieces.

He bit his lip, thinking. "Give me your address," he said in the end.

My heart sunk as I wrote it on a piece of paper and gave it to him. He looked at it and shoved the paper into his pocket. "I'll come by in the evening," he said indifferently. "Be ready."

I watched him leave, finally falling to my knees and digging my fingers into the grass under me. "Will I finally be able to get free?" I whispered silently, new tears running down my face.


	2. Lost and Empty

**Lost and Empty**

The moment I heard the doorbell, I cursed myself and my stupid decisions that I have never thought through to the very end. Opening the door, I let him in, not even having enough strength to greet him. He looked around, then took off his shoes without me having to tell him to do so; there was a bag in his hand, a bag that probably contained things needed for what we were about to do, and I was sort of hoping there was nothing weird in there... Though, of course, I had given myself at his mercy, and if there was anything I could do to repent, I wouldn't let the chance pass by without doing so. I looked right at him; his brow was furrowed and he had a serious expression with a hint of a frown on his face.

I sort of wondered which one of us was regretting it more... Then again, he didn't have to come. Nor had I forced him to enter my flat. This was something we had agreed on, so even though I was scared, I was not going to go back on my word, and I wouldn't let him know I was afraid, either. I was desperately trying to look calm, partly because of my pride, and partly because his own stoic face was unsettling.

"You want anything? Tea, coffee, shower, food? I have only mackerel right now, though," I said, surprised to hear my unshaken voice. It was surely enough to make him believe I was not nervous at all. Or, I at least hoped so.

"Nah, I'm good," he answered, then he paused. "Well, the shower would be great."

"Bathroom is that way," I pointed at the door next to me. "There should be some towels in there for you to use."

"Okay," he said, then unexpectedly stepped in and leaned towards me, sniffing my hair. "Since you are ready, get naked for me," he instructed me, forced the bag into my hand and then, he turned to go to the bathroom. I mentally cursed at his utter stoicism; he hadn't batted an eyelash while saying that.

I went to the bedroom, leaving the door open for him to find me easily, and after I put the bag next to the bed, I started taking my clothes off. I did not peek in the bag, it sort of did not feel like he'd be okay with that. He was right, though; before he had arrived, I took a shower and cleaned myself both in and out. Embarrassing as it was, it was also something that had to be done.

Putting my clothes into the closet, I sighed silently. Nudity itself was not bugging me at all, the problem was the fact that we were going to – well – fuck. And I was sure he wouldn't care about setting the mood. He had come to my place to break me, after all.

I sat down on the bed and waited. In a few minutes, he was standing there, at the door, arms folded on his bare chest. He was stark naked, and I couldn't but stare. He still had a great body, even after all those years. He eyed me and I felt a chill run down my spine; his eyes were cold and darker than normal. Seeing the bag where I left it for him, he stepped closer and looked in it, as if he was considering what to do next. "Y-Yamazaki?" I said silently, my voice shaking the slightest bit.

He gave me a look, then nodded towards the bed. "Lie down. On your back."

I slowly did so, watching him; with absolute poker face, he pulled a set of black, soft ropes out of the bag. The bed creaked and he loomed over me, making me shudder under his gaze. Grabbing my wrists, he pushed them above my head and tied them together, then bound my hands tightly to the heads of the bed. I looked at him and he explained, though I hadn't said anything: "I'm sure you are going to hate it and I don't want you to struggle."

"Eh?" I was about to ask what he was going to do, but I didn't say anything. "Don't forget, you were the one who asked for this," rang in my ears.

He forced my chin up.

And kissed me.

It was not the lover's kind of kiss, his teeth were scraping my lips and tongue, and I closed my eyes, my fear finally coming to the surface. The kiss was deep and long, occasionally painful, and the longer it lasted, the more afraid I was. Not of him. No, I was more afraid of what was going to become of me. I felt a stab of sharp pain by my heart, and I knew that tears had already started forming in my eyes and they were threatening to fall.

He broke the kiss and looked at me, his thumb lightly stroking my lower lip. His eyes were ice-cold. Even so, there was a smile on his face, a somewhat wry and twisted expression. "Heh," he breathed out a silent laugh. "Too easy. But I'm not done yet."

He reached for the bag again and rustling through its content, he glanced at me: "I'm going to mess you up. I'm going to do it to the extent you'll understand how I felt, watching you blindly crushing the things I'd wanted – watching them fall apart under your feet." Taking out a bottle of lube and a few toys, he leaned towards me, squirting some of the bottle's content in his hand. He smeared the cold substance over my chest and stomach, then added: "I'll make you understand. Both the past and the present." Pouring more of the lube over his fingers, he forced my knees apart. His long, slender digits slipped between my legs, running over my length, and went past it, to the back, entering me.

Even though the lube was originally cold, I'd soon noticed that wherever it touched, it gave off a warm, tingling sensation. Yamazaki's fingers – two of them – were deep inside me and as he leaned closer, sinking his teeth into the skin of my shoulder, I cried out unwillingly.

Seemingly satisfied by my reaction, he'd chuckled darkly and forcing another finger inside of me, he continued biting my skin here and there. The bites became gentler and softer, but each of them sent a shiver down my spine. I hadn't remembered ever feeling that hot, I was sure it had something to do with the lubricant he'd used.

His free hand went up my side and reaching its destination, it stopped at my nipple, giving it a squeeze. Normally, it wouldn't do much – not even when having sex with Makoto, I didn't feel much there. The moment Yamazaki did it, though, probably because my entire body had been sensitised, it was like an electroshock. I yelped, but it faded into silent whimpers as he continued – rubbing, pinching, even twisting sometimes.

I tugged at the bonds helplessly. Though the way my wrists were tied didn't hurt at all, my arms were unable to move like I wanted them to, I couldn't move at all… and I screwed my eyes tight shut, wishing for this to end already.

Unfortunately for me, that was not his intention. Pulling out his fingers, he sat up and while one of his hands started touching my erection again, the other one hovered above the sex toys. He was choosing. It took him a few moments, but eventually, he picked one and letting go of my dick, he coated the vibrator in lube again and slowly pushed it inside me. He hadn't pressed the switch yet, letting me get used to it, and returned to teasing my upper body again.

"It's a transdermal aphrodisiac," he said, rubbing the liquid into my skin more. I didn't answer – even if I knew what to say, I wouldn't be able to, anyway. My breath was unsteady and I was frightened, because I had never felt like that before, I was unnaturally sensitive to everything he did… and the degree I was aroused to, that was scary as well. By the time the sex toy entered me down there, I was stiff hard and leaking all over my lower stomach, and my nipples were perked, though I was not feeling cold.

Actually, I felt hot.

Unbearably hot.

His gaze wandered down my body, down my humiliated, naked, helpless self, and a smirk appeared on his lips. Grabbing my chin, his face drawing closer, he whispered: "That's a good look on you. I don't think you'll be able to go to work tomorrow – because after I'm done with you, you'll be absolutely wrecked."

Narrowing his eyes viciously, he fused our lips together again. Undeniably, I tried to move my head away from him, but he made me give in immediately, my resistance was absolutely insignificant. A salty water drop rolled down my cheek as I couldn't but let him take possession of my tongue; this was not a conquest, I was an undefended land and he simply had come to my place to plunder. I felt his hand slide directly to the sex toy which he'd stuck in me, and I nearly screamed into his mouth when he pressed the switch and it started vibrating.

"I- ugh! No!" I forcibly made him free my lips and gasped for breath. "Hmm? But you were the one who asked for this in the first place," he reminded me with a smirk and wrapping his fingers around my shaft, he whispered into my ear: "I'm going to tease you until you feel like you are at your limit. Until you feel you are going to break. Until you _beg me…_ to do you."

Panting, my throat dry, I watched him over the haze of tears, as he sat up and scratched down my sides. After I blinked several times, I could see everything of him, from the pained, almost hateful expression on his face all the way down to his erection. He was standing proud down there, and just then I recalled just how much it hurt when he put that thing into me that night. True, back in the love hotel it was without preparation. In my apartment, as he was there, in front of me, I figured I could take him in immediately – that time, he did pretty good a job prepping me.

The problem was, though he wanted to make me wait longer, I was already reaching my limit.

"I… Please," I muttered. "I'm going numb," I thrashed a bit as I attempted to put my legs back together; he, however, grabbed my knees and held them open. "That's not what I want to hear," he leaned down and grabbed the vibrating toy, moving it in and out slowly. His hot breath grazed my erection and I groaned in frustration when he licked me there – just once, but his tongue went over my sack and the shaft all the way to the tip and, hell, I _knew_ I wanted more. "Please," I sobbed. It was a desperate sound, a cry more than anything else, I _needed_ more. "Fuck me already."

"I hoped you'd hold out a little longer," he sighed, but turned the vibrator off, then slowly pulled it out and set it aside. He grabbed a condom and wore it, then he ran his hand over my stomach and after gathering the liquids it was covered in, he gave himself a few pumps, coating his erection in the mixture of the lube and my pre-cum, and shuddering each time. Then, once he was ready, he grabbed my hips and lifting me off the bed, he entered me in one thrust.

Attempting to hold back the sounds I was making, I bit down on my lip, hard – however, my effort was to no avail. With each and every single move of his hips I was losing myself, and though it was not what I had expected, it was still what I asked for, it was what I wanted and I hated myself for wanting it so shamelessly. He was fucking me, hard and thoroughly, and even though he hadn't teased my prostate, I felt like I was going to burst.

It was a night I was never going to forget.


End file.
